I had a revelation. RIFT is bunk.
Now, I know what you're all thinking: that I had previously praised the game, lauded its merits. But I was enamoured with the glittering seductiveness that is a new game. I was enraptured, enthralled, smitten, and besotted with her. But then I found out she was a filthy, dirty little whore, using the same tricks of the trade that other whores of her ilk use. Despite the impending Armageddon that the world of Telara faced, I was still tasked with the killing of boars not 10 feet away from the quest giver. Hunt your own goddamned bacon, you greasy bastard. The tedium of the gathering of pointless items, and slaughtering of harmless creatures was intermittently broken by the Rifts opening, which added some fun. However, they required nearly everyone to come together in one seething mass to repel some of the tougher monsters.
Above all, the game forced me to make FRIENDS. Now, I'm not against communicating with fellow human beings, but the majority of chat was mostly a nerdfest of RIFT ripping off WoW, WoW ripping off anything else in the world, WoW vs RIFT, and ERPers. Fuck, man. Being the beta, I didn't see much point in making friends, since there were hardly any guilds going, which would make use of the guild achievement system, something I was looking forward to trying.
Anyway.
So what ended up happening is I abandoned RIFT in favour of Minecraft, but that's another story altogether. The real thing I want to talk about is ice cream. There was no way to segue into that gracefully. I recently developed an interest in making ice cream after receiving a jar of freshly squeezed cow juice. Talking to my friend, she suggested eggnog ice cream. I was immediately intrigued, and set out to make it. It was a fantastic success, but so damn rich and creamy, if I ate any more than a spoon, it would make me so full I couldn't eat anything else.
A family party was coming up, so I jumped into high gear. An acai berry sherbet, grapefruit sorbet, and a banana ice cream were quickly created; in the case of the banana ice cream, shortly before the guests arrived. The banana and grapefruit were instant hits, the banana being wholly devoured before the cream even had a chance to properly harden into its normal solid state.
However, after the party, tragedy struck. My left foot, which had been aching slightly for a few days prior, suddenly bloomed into a full-blown pain, complete with throbbing and redness. A couple days later, I went to the doctor, and he pronounced it as gout.
Gout! At my tender age! Christ almighty.
It's rather ironic that I invoke Jesus' name, since I don't have anything to do with religion. I just find it nonsensical that a God would give me the talent to make beautiful, delicious food, and slowly take away my physical faculties - first a skin condition at birth, then poor joints during adolescence, and finally gout in early adulthood (this especially, as it seemed a direct punishment for utilizing my gifts). It seemed like a vengeful, bitch-God, and I will have no part in the worship of such a deity. But I digress.
One of the solutions to gout, aside from medication, is an alteration to a diet. So, what am I to do? Lower intake of sugar and fat, increase fibre and water. What did I do? Make more ice cream. It seems that I must suffer more to actually learn my lesson. Ignoring the veritable blight in my foot, I picked up The Perfect Scoop: Ice Creams, Sorbets, Granitas, and Sweet Accompaniments
by David Lebovitz. My first experiment in torture was to create maple ice cream with 'wet' walnuts. This would serve as torment for three reasons. First, and foremost, it was ungodly delicious. Second, I am allergic to walnuts, so a bite of it would mean instant death. Well, okay, a bit of wheezing and coughing, but it would likely be unpleasant. Third, it would be given to my father as a gift, so that no one else but him would be able to touch it. Kind of a moot point after the second reason, but whatever.
However, the second, most recent experiment will test my resolve to the utter limits. My imaginary readers, with this ice cream, I have transgressed the bounds of sanity and will likely fall into a delirium of addiction.
I made tiramisu ice cream.
The flavours! One cannot even begin to imagine the delectability of this creamy substance. Even more devastating was the ease with which it was created; it requires no custard base, just a blended concoction of ingredients, and a mocha glaze interspersed between the glorious sweet folds of mascarpone. With an already frozen ice cream bucket at my disposal, from start to finish took no more than an hour, including the 25 minutes it took for the ice cream to firm up. If I am not careful, friends, this ice cream may consume me.
May (hopefully a more merciful) God have mercy on my soul.
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